On keeping secrets

by Lara on March 22, 2014

When I was 18 I got a tattoo.  It’s on my back and it’s a tribal symbol and it has absolutely no significance other than I liked how it looked, and I wanted a tattoo.  It’s on my back because even as a teenager I was fully aware of my tendency to get bored of things and so it’s on my back so that I don’t see it enough to get sick of it.

I got the tattoo and didn’t tell my parents…  for like, 2 weeks. The fact that I didn’t tell them ate at me like I was keeping something incredibly important from them that I shouldn’t.  When I told them, it was out of guilt for keeping this secret. Even now, looking back, I don’t quite understand why that would feel “wrong” but it did, and I have a feeling it still would today.

In fact, that kind of mentality still creeps up on me and the point of this post is mostly to say “WHY?”  Why would I feel like I was doing something wrong if I went and did something that was just for me?

If I went to a spa for an afternoon and told nobody… I’d feel like I was being sneaky.

If I decided to go treatments of some kind and didn’t tell anyone… I’d constantly feel compelled to tell people even if I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

If I got another tattoo… I’d feel the need to announce it formally.

I’ve been trying to figure it out and haven’t come to a conclusion.  Why do I feel compelled to not keep “secrets” from the people in my life when I’m perfectly entitle to privacy and things that are my own?  Do I need to overcome it or do I just accept I might just be the kind of person who likes to share?  Am I doing it because I need approval?  (I think I’m going with this one as the most likely – using the tattoo examples, I knew my parents wouldn’t like that I’d gotten a tattoo which is why I didn’t tell them but I probably wanted them to tell me it wasn’t a bad decision) Oh the self reflections and deep thoughts!

I am accepting theories… on why I do it, if you do it, and if it even matters at all :)

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